So I'm here. I have made it to my most significant milestone of my second pregnancy (other than reaching full term obviously).
As of yesterday, I reached the exact point we were at when we had to say goodbye to our sweet little boy Chayce; at 26 weeks gestation, to the day.
A point in my PAL journey that signifies so much, yet just another cruel reminder of everything I have lost and what I can never get back.
A precious child that cannot be replaced. My precious child. My first born.
A day I never thought I'd ever get to experience when we saw that positive line, the second time around. It just seemed too far out of reach and too painful to even try, at the time.
I had no idea how I was going to endure the torturous months ahead of me.
But I knew I had to dig deep because this child was given to me for a reason and I am forever grateful.
Now I find myself counting down the days and the weeks, until we get to meet our little girl and her arrival is getting closer and closer to reality.
I can finally start to envision bringing her home and I long for the moment I hear her first cry.
The days leading up to today have been nothing short of unique.
Trying to balance the extreme anxiety, worry, devastation and fear with strength, patience, positivity and most importantly hope.
Today I am 26+1 gestation, and that is the furthest day in pregnancy I have EVER been to date. That fact alone brings me the utmost synchronized happiness and sadness.
It’s exhausting juggling such extreme tense emotions 24/7 and even more exhausting trying to explain them to the people around you.
Today is a day I never got to experience with Chayce.
But a day that I am grateful I have been able to experience with our little girl.
A day that I'm overwhelmed with sadness for my little boy.
But a day that I'm overjoyed and elated for my little girl.
A day full of happy and sad moments - For what will never be and for what is yet to come.
A day that I have cried my heart out but have also sighed out of complete and utter relief.
Today is a happy milestone that means the world to me as a mum, but it is also physically hurts my heart as a loss mum.
But I keep telling myself our darling is growing, she is healthy and is right where she needs to be. So I will try and treasure these moments for what they are - Which is beautiful.
I have no idea how I'm here and I have no idea why I never got to be here with Chayce.
But I'm here and I feel so blessed, yet so sad.
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