7 things that seem to have changed for us loss Mamas.
Updated: Jul 10, 2022
Since I lost my son18 months ago, I've come to realize that things in my life, seem to have just changed. Shit has changed.
In addition to my own perspective, I've asked other grieving mothers for their input and combined their answers into 7 things that seem to have changed for us loss Mamas.
1. Small things in life no longer bother us.
Holding onto a grudge is no longer something I have the capacity for. Neither is feeling bitter towards the lady who was rude to me at the checkout. Now, I'll actually offer a little compassion. I'll think to myself, "oh that poor lady probably has something bigger going on and unintentionally took it out on me, its not personal". Then I MOVE ON, never to think about it again and offer zero brain calories to it. I quickly learned after I lost Chayce, that holding on to negative energy only makes life even harder than it needs to be. I no longer hold space for unnecessary things in my life, which includes feelings, people, belongings, clothing, and vibes. Overall; I feel much more at peace (in general) because of this.
"Nowadays I walk over things I used to trip over" - Unknown
2. We have gained a whole new understanding of & attachment to, the word 'rainbow'.
I used to think of the word rainbow and picture a leprechaun with a pot of gold. Literally. The picture book I was read as a child is the only real attachment I had to the word. Now, I see my entire life when I hear the word 'rainbow', or rather, see one. It reminds me of the hardest chapter of my life and the most joyful. I see both my babies looking back at me and I use the word pretty much on the daily now. Tilly is my little rainbow bubba and I thank Chayce every day for sacrificing himself to send her to me.
"There would be no rainbows without sunshine and rain" - Roy T Bennett
3. There will never be a time for us, when we look at pregnancy in the same way again.
I was SO naïve when I was pregnant with Chayce. Sure, I knew things could go wrong in pregnancy, labour and birth but never in million years did I think it was going to happen to me. Your average, healthy, 27 year old. Pregnancy AFTER loss is unlike pregnancy BEFORE loss.
When I was pregnant with Tilly, it was an experience nobody could have prepared me for - Not even the medical professionals - Unique, anxious, scary, fearful, all the above. But I bloody did it and here's a quote I lived by for 9. torturous. months
"This is, a different pregnancy, a different baby, a different story, with a different ending" - Lindsey M. Henke
4. Being happy will probably always cause some guilt
Also referred to as 'happiness guilt', which is when you have been through both a positive and a negative experience, (such as pregnancy after loss) and are struggling to balance your joy with your grief. It's a tough gig, trust me.. I know.
However, you can learn how to reduce the impacts of the guilt, so you can enjoy the joy. There's a really good post called "Guilt and Grief: coping with the shoulda, woulda, couldas" written by Whats Your Grief.
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with" - Mark Twain.
5. We have entered an entirely new world after loosing our babies, that not everyone will understand.
So much so, I literally decided to build my own community of grieving mamas who just 'get it'. Sure, we all have different stories, set of circumstances and ultimately we all grieve differently. But the thoughts, feelings and emotions we hold onto and try to navigate are very much similiar, maybe not at the same time, but at some stage nevertheless.
"Although our paths might be different, we are one in the same storm" - Unknown
6. There will come a time when our inner light will return, but it will take some time.
I never saw myself as a spiritual kind of person, and I must say, I'm not sure if I ever had an 'inner light' within me that people could see. But if I did, I know it went out the day Chayce passed away. For a while there I didn't care if it ever returned.
Most people unconsciously dim their light out of fear of being seen. But for me, after my loss, I think it did the opposite.. once I embraced my new found purpose in life, which is building Chayce's legacy. How about you?
“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Castaneda
7. Although loss and love are forever intertwined, we desperately want to believe that hope will prevail.
Grief and love will forever be intertwined, because grief is a constant reminder just how deep our love runs. And like love, grief is non-negotiable. Pregnancy after loss can range from cautiously optimistic one day, to overwhelmingly anxious the next. BUT there is always hope, because what other comfort can we hold onto without it?
"While pregnancy loss taught me that nothing is guaranteed, my rainbow pregnancy taught me that anything is possible" - Jenner Albers
I’d love to hear if you have anything to add! Feel free to comment below if you can relate.
Sending love x
Showing fellow grieving mamas how to build and monetize their online presence in memory of their angel. Book a 30 minute no obligation FREE Discovery Call with me to learn more