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A Global Pandemic + Pregnancy After Loss.

Updated: Apr 3, 2022

I’ve really been struggling with all this COVID stuff lately.. more than usual, as I’m sure most people are. I think everyone is just over it.

We are exhausted, yet most of us continue to try and do the right thing regardless.

We continue to follow the rules and ‘toe the line’ but debate whether our leaders know what they are doing.

If you are not from the baby loss or pregnancy after loss worlds, you will likely wonder why the hell I'm about to go on such a rant. And why would you care about my frustration? I get it.

But, if you are from either of my worlds, I know you will wholeheartedly understand where I am coming from. These are just some thoughts a PAL mum is currently processing.

Before I continue, I want to make it clear that I respect those that are working tirelessly in trying to keep us safe and I sure as hell do not envy the job of any single one of our leaders or that of their teams'.

But, as I'm sure everyone can appreciate, there will always be criticism.

The majority of people are going to throw their two cents in when it comes to our LIVES.

Life as we knew it, has and continues to, rapidly change and it's only human nature to develop an opinion, so here is my two cents.

I’m that used to working from home now and being stuck inside my house, that leaving my bubble gives me more anxiety these days than actually being locked down!

Surely that isn’t healthy.

For me, It’s the pure fear of getting COVID and risking my unborn childs' health.

It’s the constant worry of unknowingly going to a COVID exposure site, then becoming responsible for the household having to go into isolation.

It's the dreaded vaccination debate, knowing eventually I’ll likely have no choice but have to surrender. All that goes through my mind is "what is the best thing to do for me and my baby?" Everyone you speak to has a different opinion and I'm overwhelmed with the responsibility hanging over my head and particularly the everchanging advice.

It's the waiting game that annoys me.

Waiting in line for tests, waiting for results, waiting for a call, waiting for clearance, waiting for case numbers to go down, all while our lives are passing us by.

It feels like it’s never going to end.

Mark and I have been married coming up to 2 years and for at least 18 of those months we (along with everyone else) have been navigating COVID and boy what a journey!

We were so 'lucky' we were able to squeeze in our 4 month trip when we did - It just happened to work out as perfect timing in relation to the COVID schedule..

But for a country known for it's freedom and opportunity, how crazy is it that I’m considering us LUCKY that we were able to explore our OWN country.. ?!

Freedom = Something we took for granted 2 years ago.

It blows my mind that our lives changed practically overnight.

I've kept my mouth shut about this for so long because I know others are struggling far worse than I am and who am I to speak out on my opinion?

But I figure, I am still a human being affected by this pandemic and my feelings are relevant. My story is going to be different to the person standing next to me at Woolies, regardless of whether they have it worse or not.

But there will surely be people out there that are walking down a similar road to me, and I want them to know they are not alone, even though it feels like it.

It's not even the lock down itself that I’m struggling with the most. For me, it’s the fact that this very situation brings back so many daily triggering memories from when I was pregnant with Chayce in 2020 and then loosing him, through the early days of this very same pandemic.

The loss itself was unimaginable but knowing our loved ones never got to meet our son, or hold him, breaks my already broken heart into even smaller pieces.

We can’t get that time back. It’s gone. Chayce is gone.

I’m terrified of the ever changing restrictions, that seem to be getting both worse and are made with less and less warning.

The complete control the Government has over us has gone on for way too long.

The COVID check in's everywhere we go, the helicopters flying over our streets, the curfews in place, the wearing of the masks, the social distancing, the list goes on.

No wonder why we are all so full of anxiety and pure fear.

I lost my son. I’ve already lost so many moments that I should be experiencing right this very moment.

For the rest of my life I have to miss out on all the glorious (and not so glorious) parts of being a mum. That privilege has been taken away from me and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I have to live with this and somehow learn to accept it.

But now that we’re expecting our daughter later this year, does that mean we are going to miss out on more glorious moments because of these COVID restrictions?

Just facing likely reality here.. how much is she actually going to miss out on?

Not only am I trying to focus on getting through the 15 weeks (or less) ahead of us before we welcome her into the world (side note: I'm praying hard), but I'm also trying to comprehend all the things she wont get to experience in the early stages of her life. Everything is so up in the air right now and that is overwhelming in itself. Like when will she get to meet her grandparents, her aunties and uncles and cousins that are dying to meet her?!

We can’t fly interstate for the foreseeable future, so how old will she be when that time comes?

Bonds that deserve to be developed and memories that deserve to be created - likely wont be possible.

All I want to do is share both of my babies with those we love most, but I cant. I'm not allowed.

Again, this is a privilege that is being taken away from me, but this time something CAN actually be done about it, because this is in somebody's control.

I really can’t take much more missing out.

What about the effects these restrictions have on my routine Antenatal appointments?

I didn’t get any care with Chayce because of COVID and it haunts me everyday.

These snap restrictions and irrational decisions determine whether or not I’ll have Mark there holding my hand at my appointments, supporting me no matter what comes our way.

Even just the chance of him not being allowed to attend, literally paralyzes me.

Luckily for now, we have received an exemption from the hospital where Mark is allowed to attend scan appointments only, given our circumstances.

But my mind worries about what will be the next restriction enforced between now and the end of the year. What is next?

Will they say next... "no jab, no partner allowed in the birthing suite" or "restricted partner visiting hours"? I mean, only presuming right now.. but I don't believe anyone should be given an ultimatum like that. Fancy having to choose between opting for a fast tracked vaccination or being there for the birth of your child. Obviously at the end of the day, you would do what you have to do, but being forced to make such a decision is what terrifies me.

It might not seem like a big deal to most, and I agree I could have it a lot worse. But that's not the point.

After the loss we went through 8 months ago, going to an appointment at the very same hospital whilst pregnant with this Bub, is something that really triggers me and takes over my mind and body.

I go gaga and I can’t remember anything they tell me - good or bad.

I can't control it and I need my husband there.

This is just one of the reasons why pregnant women NEED their support person with them, regardless.

I'm even more afraid of my appointments being cancelled or rescheduled to a later date because that’s exactly what happened when I was pregnant with Chayce through the 2020 lock-downs and his medical condition went unnoticed and undetected for so long because I wasn't properly cared for.

I'll keep on keeping on but we are talking human lives here.

There is so much at stake and I am terrified of us getting left behind & forgotten about, all over again.

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