After My Loss, I Questioned Everything.

Trigger Warning: Baby loss

I have spent the last 4 months really digging deep, soul searching, working on my mindset, crying my heart out, breathing in the fresh air, lots and lots of writing, reflecting and evaluating my life and really trying to find the new version of myself in this next chapter of my life.

I never realised that we, as human beings, have so many layers to strip back and therefore throughly analyse when something tragic occurs in our life.

I knew I could either ignore the personal development side of bereavement and grief or I could tackle it head on.

I chose to tackle it purely because I knew I had changed as a person following the loss of my son and was aware that I needed to meet this new person to look her dead in the eyes, as we were worlds apart - The old Tayla and the new one.

Throughout this process I spent many, MANY days and nights questioning everything about my entire existence, my purpose, my fate, my past and what life has or does not have in store for me.

Before losing Chayce I really thought I had things figured out and I wondered if my naivety contributed to my loss. It obviously didn’t, but these are the kinds of things I really questioned and had to rationalise within my own mind, trying to answer my own questions by coming up with several answers until I could eventually settle with an acceptable response.

It was a back and forth process that I didn’t even realise I was doing until I started to come out the other side.

It is exhausting, and I’m sure you got a glimpse of how deep my thoughts would go with some of my previous posts, but that was honestly not even the half of it.

It was also very necessary for me to reflect on my past to enable me to become a better human moving forward. Even though it was uncomfortable, it was a weight off my shoulders when I finally acknowledged my previous mistakes, decided to forgive myself for them so that I can finally move forward, leaving that chapter behind me, where it belongs.

The road wasn’t as easy as it may sound.

I questioned what I had ever done wrong to deserve this awful-ness.

I questioned if karma had something to do with my loss and would then proceed to think of all the shitty things I’ve ever said or done to deserve it.

I questioned my purpose in life and whether I had the strength to continue with this cruel twist of fate.

I questioned whether I would/could live out the rest of my days without my child here.

I questioned my energy and whether I was the kind of person I would want to hang around with.

I questioned my priorities, my morals and my values.

I questioned whether I was a bad person or not but I also questioned if I was a ‘good enough’ person.

I questioned my attitude toward life and whether my expectations on myself and others were unrealistic.

I questioned whether my negative mindset contributed to where I now found myself in life.

I questioned my relationships with the people I surround myself with.

I questioned whether losing my child was a cruel way of being told I wouldn’t make a good mother or that maybe I wasn’t ready to raise a human after all.

I questioned whether my marriage would survive such devastation.

I questioned if I would ever fall pregnant again and whether I’d ever have the chance to bring a baby home.

I even questioned whether I would ever be brave enough to try for another baby.

There was a period of time where I seriously questioned my future Motherhood journey and this was terrifying for me, considering my age.

I questioned whether I would ever forgive myself for losing Chayce.

I questioned myself as a woman, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and as a colleague.

I really questioned why others were able to welcome home healthy, beautiful babies, but I couldn’t.

I questioned my purpose in life and had to figure out what I wanted to achieve for the rest of my time here.

This personal development period of my life has been very much emotional, exhausting, confronting, terrifying, eye opening and took a whole lot of self love to get me through, but I wouldn’t have been able to do it if we hadn’t of hit the road and take this time to really be present without some of lifes distractions.

I feel like I have SOME sort of closure to SOME of these questions now but I’m aware that personal development is never ending.

I also know that life does not always go to plan, but you absolutely have to have some sort of a clear direction. Something I never really considered before or knew exactly what I wanted or needed.

And now that I know what I need to do for ME moving forward, taking along my new found mindset and my marriage that has never been stronger - I’m ready to turn the page to start the next chapter - In life, in womanhood, in motherhood, in matrimony and every other aspect of my life.

And if you haven’t already, when you’re ready..with some hard work, persistence and determination, I really hope you get there too one day.