As a disclosure, please note that this blog post contains affiliate links, which means that if you make a purchase through it, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you. However, I want to assure you that I only recommend products and services that I genuinely believe can benefit those who are experiencing grief through pregnancy or infant loss.
You may or may not know that the first Sunday in May is Bereaved Mother’s Day and while I understand & appreciate why many choose to acknowledge and/or celebrate this day, I choose not to.
People will cope with days like today in their own way, as every journey is unique. There is no right nor wrong approach.
Traditional Mother's Day = is a day that is celebrated in many countries around the world to honour and appreciate mothers and mother figures for their love, care, and sacrifices. It is a celebration honouring the mother of the family, as well as motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society and is generally celebrated on the second Sunday in May.
Bereaved Mother's Day = acknowledges the grief and pain that many mothers experience after losing a baby or child, whether due to miscarriage, TFMR, stillbirth, neonatal/infant death, or the death of an adult child. This day provides society with an opportunity to recognize and honour grieving families and their difficult journey, and to show support and compassion to them.
It's also a day to recognize women who cannot be a mother due to infertility or other health reasons. It’s yet a tough day for many women around the world, which is generally celebrated on the first Sunday in May.
With that being said, I wanted to share with you a story from my experience.
We lost Chayce 6.5 months into our first pregnancy, and not long later I learned of Bereaved Mothers Day. At first, there was a huge part of me that was relieved to learn that Bereaved Mothers Day was a date saved on the international calendar. I was surprised that it got recognition at all, and that I never even knew it existed.
I was relieved for many reasons, but particularly because I know a lot of Mothers who have lost a baby/child appreciate having a specific date to be acknowledged/celebrated, which is separate to the traditional Mothers Day. I thought I should be happy and grateful to learn about this date, considering this was my new normal and because it was a day that directly reflects the journey of a grieving family. A day that somewhat encapsulate our pain. Which is truly beautiful and incredibly validating for so many.
However, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say, I also felt a sense of overwhelming sadness in that, I felt as though another 'thing' was being taken away from me as a loss mum, and I no longer felt free or allowed to celebrate traditional Mothers Day with all the other Mothers.
For me, it felt like a 'you cant sit with us' moment.
Last year I refused to acknowledge this date, mainly because I felt as though, once again, I was being forced into the minority group.
This year, I will acknowledge it but I still won't celebrate it.
I can't speak for any one else who has lost a baby, and maybe this is my issue that I need to work on. But when I realised that Bereaved Mothers Day existed, I felt as though I was given ANOTHER sad date for people to send me their pitty. This is not what I want. In fact, its the furthest thing from what I want.
It's the significance of what both dates mean that bothers me. There is a divide and I hate it.
I already know my journey is different to most, I don't need another god damn reminder.
In the same way that other mothers who have not lost, get to do, I just want to celebrate being a mother and my journey to reach this point.
The date I want to celebrate is the same as the date I celebrate my own mother and grandmother.
In my opinion, my child's existence should not determine my status as a mother or which day I should or should not celebrate.
As while yes, sure... You can call me a bereaved mother, a loss mother, a grieving mother, or an angel mother. Any name you use to refer to me has the same key word; MOTHER.
Regardless of which date I celebrate, I’ll be hurting because half of my heart isn't here with me. The date wont change that.
In spite of the fact that the stranger passing me in the supermarket can only see the one child in the trolley, and the nice lady at my local cafe doesn't know that the baby on my hip has a big brother playing in heaven. As I've grown older, I have come to understand that my title as a mother isn't dependent on the understanding (or lack thereof) of other people about my life.
Both my kids have a special place in my heart and I pour all my love and energy into both of them, just in different ways.
Bereaved Mothers Day is an important date, and I respect and understand those who choose to acknowledge or celebrate it. And for those who do celebrate it in their household, I hope it is a welcomed tradition, and not an obligation.
I have decided to give myself every bit of permission to proudly celebrate the fact that I am a Mother who will continue to celebrate Traditional Mothers Day on Sunday 8th of May, along with all the other Mothers who are fortunate enough not to have to think twice about which day/s they celebrate.
As I have mentioned in this post, losing a baby can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience for mothers. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to grief and healing, there is support and resources available that may provide additional support and comfort. One such support available is the Institute of Healing through pregnancy loss who offers a range of online courses, including Self Healing Immersion, Empowered Journaling and 1:1 personalised coaching support.
In case you didn't know, I am also a Pregnancy Loss Coach, certified by the Institute of Healing, and although I am not taking on 1:1 clients right now, you can register your interest to be notified when I do. Please click here to register.
Remember, you don't have to go through the grieving process alone. There is support available to help you navigate this lifelong journey of pregnancy or infant loss.
I will be thinking of ALL the Mamas over the coming weeks as we celebrate Bereaved & Traditional Mothers Day and as always, I'm sending my love to you all.
Comments