I’m Still A Mother

Trigger Warning: Baby loss

We all know that being a mum is a full time job - Long days and longer nights. Mums are superheroes and I respect how challenging motherhood can be.

I am in awe of the million hats they wear every single day.

I never previously understood how mums continuously find the motivation to keep going, especially with the little appreciation they generally get. I admire the daily decisions that have to be made for your child.

I understand how worry and anxiety can alter and determine your entire day.

But just like active mums, bereaved mothers still worry about their children and make daily decisions even though their child isn't here to be directly affected by them. Well, I know I do.

I worry about Chayce constantly. All day, every day, until I eventually fall asleep. Even when I’m physically occupied with other things, I’m still mentally worrying about him.

I often find myself subconsciously making decisions on his behalf. I worry about where he is.

Who he is with.

What he is doing.

What he is wearing.

What the weather is like.

How he is feeling.

If he is hungry, or thirsty

If he has had a nap.

If he needs a bum change or a bath.

If he would like someone to read him a book or sing him a song.

Maybe he just needs a cuddle.

Could someone please check on him?!

I know he isn’t here with me, but that’s exactly why I worry about him so much.

My anxiety is always at a high.

Which makes this all the more exhausting because I can’t mother the way I need to, the way I want to or the way I should be. The way my body has prepared for.

I have to believe that the angels above are taking care of him.

I have to believe our loved ones that have gone before us, have him in their arms - Telling him it will all be okay. I have to believe in something because I will forever be wondering if you are okay Chayce, because you are my son and I am your mum. And that’s what mums do until the day we die. I am yours, you are mine.

Regardless of whether our babies are here on Earth with us, or up there in Heaven with the other angels, we will always mother our children.

The title is never ending - There is no expiry date. Being a mother is apart of my identity now. And I love clinging to the fact that I’m still a mother, even though I’m not actively mothering.