Updated: Apr 3, 2022
After I lost Chayce I spent many hours wondering how I’d ever function in life as a ‘normal’ human being.
How I’d ever contribute to society that way I used to.
Whether I’d ever have any desire to be even partly human again.
I couldn’t imagine a life without relying on antidepressants, experiencing intense panic attacks, having nightmares or waking up in a sweat.
I wondered how I’d ever have the energy to make the bed, cook a meal, hold a conversation, run our household, contribute to my marriage or carry on with any sort of responsibility again.
I was terrified to see, hear or hold another baby.
How was I ever supposed to move forward or move on, like it felt people expected me to?
I wasn’t convinced that I’d ever make it out to the other side of this living nightmare.
How could I ever be happy again without also feeling immense guilt?
When does the grief subside and allow any other emotion to show its head?
How am I supposed navigate through life after loss? Nobody prepares you for it.
How can I still be alive when my son is not?
After all, my heart has been ripped out of my chest and cremated, along with my son.
Sometimes, I can’t even figure out how to breathe.
But then one day I woke up and without thinking about it, I’d made the bed.
Then I eventually made it through another night without a dreadful nightmare.
And then shortly after that I found myself cooking dinner, and actually enjoying it.
And then before long, I found myself genuinely smiling for the first time and the guilt that comes with that, became less and less intense.
I held a newborn baby that wasn’t mine and I didn’t die like I thought I would.
And then next thing I knew, I was back at work.
I may not show up as the same control freak I used to be.
I’m not operating at 100% and I very much get easily distracted these days because my mind is always racing.
I must also admit I feel 20kg heavier in my chest from carrying around all these intense emotions 24/7..
But I’ve managed to finish my first few weeks back at work, 6 months after I lost Chayce (only part time but better than nothing).
Something I honestly never thought I’d be capable of doing, perhaps ever again.
So that’s an accomplishment for me and I’m proud of myself.
They say “time heals all wounds”.
But I don’t believe that’s true. Not all wounds can be healed.
I know I won’t ever be healed from my trauma, no matter how much time goes by.
But I do know that the weight will slowly get lighter and I trust that in time, I’ll learn to accept things as they are and I won’t always forget how to breathe.
And if you can relate to what I’m saying, even though it might not feel like you will get across the other side of loss, im here to tell you, that you can .. and you will.
There’s no fixed amount of time that it should take, everyone is different.
And it’s important to understand that everyone is at a different stage of their journey.
You probably won’t be the same person that makes it across the other side.
But one day without thinking about it, you’ll start taking small steps, which will eventually bring you out to your ‘new normal’.
And I say new normal because nothing will ever be like your old normal. Those days are gone.
Life will never be the same as before your loss.
When looking at your life, picture a significant line straight through the middle. One side represents the times before your loss that were your old life, and the other side is your new life afterwards - The now.
You will see things in a brand new perspective.
Things that used to bother you, won’t even cross your mind anymore.
Your energy will be reserved for more important things.
You won’t take life so seriously because you know just how short and precious life is.
And sometimes, you have to accept that you just can’t control everything in this life.
You will find signs that your loved one is near you and that will keep you going.
You will continue to look for signs everywhere you go because it brings you a smile, some comfort, a lot of gratitude and heap of hope for your future.
And in my opinion, they are the most valuable things to hold onto, in order to move through life after loss.
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