Updated: Apr 3, 2022
For someone like myself who would always seek reassurance, opinions and advice from loved ones in every aspect of my life, for some reason when it came to Chayce's medical results and the decision we were faced with, seeking others opinions (other than the Specialists) was the last thing I wanted, needed or sought.
Which is actually quiet staggering since I cant even decide what I fancy for dinner each night.
I think I just knew that the medical team standing in front of us, wouldn't be telling us this awful news, if the situation wasn't incredibly serious and there was no other option.
I think it's also because I knew deep down, it didn't really matter what anybody else had to say, the 'decision' was one Mark and I would have to reach together and it was paramount that we did so as a team, as parents.
After all, this was our sons life in our hands. Seeking other peoples opinions or reassurance was not something I initially craved or considered in those moments. It was only a 'decision' his parents could make. It was our burden to carry. It was our fate to face.
We both knew this was something we had to deliberate over and fortunately we were on the same page, surprisingly quickly considering what was at stake.
We both needed facts, we needed questions answered and we needed statistics.
We really just needed the truth, straight up, but unfortunately not a lot of our questions could be initially answered with any certainty.
Our doctors could only provide us with so much detail and information, given all the unknowns at that point in time, which was extremely hard to navigate. But the overall recommendation always remained the same, by many professionals.
Other than needing to ring my Mother to tell her the situation after we were given this devastating news, looking back now I don't believe I ever asked her what her opinion was. It wasn't until she eventually said "I think you are doing the right thing Tay" that I realised I had never asked. I was so distraught, overwhelmed and in zombie mode, so engrossed on the fact my son wasn't coming home.
We were lucky that the most of our loved ones supported our 'decision', but I didn't find that comforting at the time, because they weren't losing what we were losing. It was easier for them to agree, because it wasn't their child.
I wasn't even concerned that they would disagree with our 'decision', because to be honest that possibility didn't even enter my mind at the time. If we had an easier choice to make, we obviously would have made that.
I knew the minute we left the hospital on the day of the procedure, after Chayce passed away that we had made the 'best' decision for Chayce.
I cant remember the walk to the car because I was obviously a mess but I do remember opening the car door, sitting down, putting my seatbelt over my still pregnant belly, looking over at Mark in the driver seat, taking a deep breathe, with tears running down my face and snot everywhere and saying "I know we did the right thing". Mark nodded in agreeance.
Even though I couldn't stop crying, I didn't get that awful dreaded feeling of 'oh my gosh what have I done'. Even though I was dying inside along with my son, I didn't panic like I thought I would have, where I felt instant regret.
I mean, I absolutely hate what we had to do. But this strange feeling came over me at that moment, reassuring me that Chayce was going to be okay and that he forgave us for doing what had to be done.
It was a very calming moment in an extremely distressing time and one that I will remember forever.
That's how I knew he was thanking us for letting him free. No pain or suffering for our boy.
Even though this is the most tragic, traumatic and devastating loss I will ever endure, Chayce has taught me some valuable lessons.
He taught me to trust myself, to trust my husband and the decisions we reach because we are a good team and even better parents.
He taught me to never doubt my intuition, to trust my gut and to always back myself.
He taught me to listen to my heart because it will always steer me where it needs to go, no matter how difficult it may be.
I thank you for that, my son.
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