Updated: Apr 3, 2022
Mumma's.. You know those baby related marketing emails that hit your inbox? Well they still come through regardless of whether or not you bring your baby home. Your heart hits the floor as soon as you see one, you stare at it for a second or two then you frantically search for the 'unsubscribe' button quicker than you can say the word "boo".
Never underestimate the power that TV will now have over your life. EVERYTHING seems to be baby or family related, especially in the early days after loss. Every advertisement and your favourtie shows, become part of your biggest daily triggers. You find yourself channel surfing for a while then you give up and decide to retire the TV for a little while because that's just easier.
Who would of thought that miscommunication could cause so much damage? The follow up phone calls from the hospital, wanting to book in appointments for check ups obviously missing the memo that your baby didn't make it. Those are the calls that crush your soul bit by bit, made worse when they occur more than once.
Watching your body thrive, doing exactly what is supposed to do, ready to feed the baby you don't have in your arms. This experience alone changes a woman in ways I cannot explain.
Hearing the kids in your street playing, laughing, screaming, carrying on, knowing your little love will never get to experience that joy. As much as its so lovely to hear the sound of kids having fun, its a punch to the throat when your baby misses out.
Being asked a simple question like 'how many kids do you have?' or 'is this your first baby?', trying to work out how to respond knowing you don't want to lie but don't want to make the situation awkward if you tell the truth. Navigating things like this just add to the daily exhaustion of grief.
Knowing our family photos will never be complete, so seeing other families happy snaps can be hard sometimes knowing all that you miss out on, not only now but forever in the future as well.
Prams. You know when you don't really notice a particular car on the road, until you buy one.. Then you see it everywhere..?! That's how it felt for me with prams. I never took any notice of them before, but as soon as I lost my son, prams seemed to be EVERYWHERE. And who would have thought a pram could bring on such a sweat.
Walking past the baby section as quickly and non suspiciously as humanly possible. There's just too many things that pull on the heart strings that could potentially cause a panic attack in the middle of the store.
Your home will never feel the same and it takes a while to be okay with living there again. You are forced to come to terms with the fact that was supposed to be where your baby grows up.
The list goes on, and none of these things are easy to navigate. I hate it when people say "it gets easier as time goes on", because in my opinion it doesn't get easier, you just learn to live with it.
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