To The Other Mums In My Life.

To the other mums in my life that get to keep their babies after I lost mine, please know...

I’m happy for you, but sad for me.

I’m delighted that you were blessed to bring your happy, healthy, beautiful baby home but will always wonder why I wasn’t so blessed to have the same fate.

I will always want what’s best for and your family but will always feel like my family has been cruelly punished for something.

I’ll be so proud of you, for being a great mum to your baby and for smashing out your week, but will be ashamed of myself for barely getting through my week without my baby.

I’ll be envious when you (naturally) complain that your baby is keeping you up at night, while I’m sleeping in a quiet house.

While you’re off making family memories, I will always be left with the burden of knowing my family will never be complete.

I‘ll support you no matter how you parent your child, while I will be parenting mine silently and in the back of my mind.

I’ll cuddle your baby but it’s going to be bitter sweet for me, because I should be cuddling my own.

While you feed your Bub, regardless of breastfeed or bottle, I promise I won’t develop an opinion because I’d do anything to be in that dilemma with my Bub.

Please try and remember whenever you get angry or frustrated with your little bundle of joy, I’ll be looking up at the sky chatting with mine from down here.

When you just need some time away from your kids, I'll be looking for signs that mine is around.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed, burnt out, defeated or questioning whether you can do this (which is completely normal), I’ll also be feeling the same but for opposite reasons.

I‘ll make a big fuss at the outfits your cutie will wear, but I’ll always wonder how cute my baby would have looked in that too.

I’ll like and comment on your photos, watch your stories and witness your baby grow up, but I’ll always be thinking of mine.

Each milestone your baby hits, I’ll be wondering whether or not my baby would be up to that yet too.

I’ll go to your babies birthday parties each year, but I’ll always envision my sweet boy playing alongside the other kids.

I’ll buy your baby a Christmas present every year but I’ll be wrapping the gift with tears running down my face.

I’ll watch on as your darling develops their own personality, while I’ll be left with only imagining who my darling would have become.

I’ll make friendly conversation about which parent I can see more in your babes little features, knowing full well I’ll never know who mine would have taken after.

I’ll laugh with and entertain your kids, but will feel nothing but guilt that my energy isn’t able to be spent with my own kid.

I’ll be there cheering your legends on at their footy game, or dance concert, or whatever they are into, but will break down when I get home and have to speak to mine, who is sitting in an urn on my dresser table.

I’ll give your baby nothing but love, because I love you, their mother. And simply because I have got so much love to give. But please know, none of this is going to be easy, for you or for me - but for completely opposite reasons.

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