Baby Nikelle James born May 12, 2021.
Growing up as a young child, I always knew I loved kids. I used every opportunity to babysit my cousins. I gave birth to my first child on December 20th, 2017. My pregnancy was the hardest thing for me, she was born at 7months 2 weeks as a healthy little girl.
I got pregnant with my angel baby in 2020 right around the peak of the pandemic. The pregnancy was unexpected and I was scared for the road ahead. As I prepared for our new baby, I started to drop a lot of weight due to being unable to stomach anything. But still, my baby's kicks and my daughters hugs pushed me to continue to fight through it all.
On May 12th 2021 I went into labor at just 6 months and 3 days. I spent the first few hours at home telling myself and my family that I could fight through it. After about 2 hours, I could no longer bare the pain and decided to visit the hospital. The entire hospital visit was so traumatic. I had to be on my own with my family being denied access to visit due to safety protocols.
I was given several medications and on all sorts of machines in an attempt to stop labor but none of them seemed to be helping. The final medication I was given got my heart racing and made my entire body feels as if it was on fire and as if I was being choked as I was unable to breathe properly.
The doctors rushed in to try and stop the medications just as my fiancé walked into the room and saw me being pushed on more machines to help me breathe. I was immediately rushed to the operating room where I had an emergency C-section. My baby boy let out a huge cry as he was pulled out of me. As he was brought for me to hold, he cried and my first words were " it's ok mommy is here". I was then told he would be taken to the NICU as he was a little small.
My entire world slowed a little bit as I comforted myself by saying the pain was over and my baby boy was now here.
I went into the recovery room and kept asking about my baby and reminding that he needed to be fed but was always told I needed to rest. I felt super uneasy about this. I fell asleep after being given some medication. I woke up being rolled to my room. I kept asking over and over where my baby was but I was never given an answer. A few hours later, a doctor came in to tell me my baby boy had passed away. Imagine my confusion, anger and frustration with being told the child I just heard cry was now gone!
I kept asking to see my baby boy and to at least hold him. Telling myself if I got to hold him my warmth would probably bring him back. I was never given that chance. After being released 3 days later my fiancé and I went to see our little boy in the morgue. Everything fell apart for both of us that day as we watched our little boy laying there cold. We noticed his forehead seemed to be a bit swollen and bruised but we never took it serious as we just wanted to look at him. I was so scared and forced myself to not pick him up. Then came his funeral with our family around. I felt as if I was in a different world where everything was flying pass while I walked through. I looked at my angel and felt like I was giving up a part of me by putting him in a grave.
We celebrated his 2nd birthday a few days ago and it still feels like an open wound. I have to listen to my daughter every day mentioning she misses her little brother and wished she got to meet him.
This is my story of the birth and death of my baby boy, because his memories still lives on.
Leah, Nikelle's Mama